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Tell me it ain't so Taylor -The Tortured Conveyancing Department

View profile for Richard Carter
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The world has gone mad for the new Taylor Swift album, The Tortured Poets Department, which became the most streamed album ever last week when released. Most of the speculation on the lyrics is about scores Tay Tay is trying to settle with former loves such as Calvin Harris, Matt Healy and Joe Alwyn. She is famous for cryptic lyrics about her exes or is she? These lyrics could have many meanings and I just wonder if perhaps she is really talking about her the law in England, where she has spent so much time, and conveyancing in particular.

“I’m in a getaway car…

I put the money in a bag, that was the last time I ever saw you.”

This is commonly thought of as Taylor singing about ex-love Tom Hiddleston. Wrong! This is the explanation conveyancing clients give when trying to explain the random cash deposits in their account when you’ve asked them for source of funds.

“It never ever occurred to you.

That I can't say 'hello' to you now”

Commonly thought to be about Harry Styles but clearly Taylor is sympathising here with conveyancers when a client rings for the 4th time in one afternoon and you can’t take the call so they leave an angry message on your voicemail.

“I'm still a believer but I don't know why

I've never been a natural

All I do is try, try, try”

Think this is about being in love? Wrong. Taylor reporting here the reaction of every conveyancer when writing to their client to explain a lease and trying to put it in plain understandable English.

"I knew you dancing in your Levis, drunk under a streetlight".  

Taylor recalling what law firm partners do after a bevy too many at your average law firm Christmas party.

“You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me”.

This is not about a former love. Here the great lady is talking about how tough law school actually is. 

“But she wears short skirts 

I wear T-shirts

She's cheer captain

And I'm on the bleachers".

This is thought to be a young Ms Swift’s plea to a lad who’s thinking of dating someone else. Really it’s the answer a great candidate gives when you ask at interview “What attributes do you think you have over other people we are interviewing?”.  Hire them immediately.  

“I forgot that you existed. It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference.”

This isn’t about a former love. It’s what Senior partners of a conveyancing department say when a fee earner leaves and they are trying not to show they’re upset.

“Should've kept every grocery store receipt

 'Cause every scrap of you would be taken from me”

Taylor’s not warbling here about love – she is giving advice to every matrimonial client in the land about to go through a messy divorce and financial settlement.

So there we have it and I could think of 1000s more examples from the Taylor Swift lyric bank in my head. Me a Swiftie? Of course not! I’m just a middle aged bloke with a mild obsession. I’m going on 2 dates with Taylor when she’s in town in the summer but sadly she’s invited 80,000 other people to tag along. It’s going to be a cruel summer. And just for the record the new album track The Smallest Man that Ever Lived is about her former love Matt Healy – for sure, definitely not 5 foot 0’ old me.